All These People Feel So Connected To Me

All these people feel so connected to me, like they can be themselves around me, but I don't feel that way around them.

They see themselves in the reflection I share, but I don't know how to show me all at once, and then they assume they know me. 

And I have done this to people as well. I suppose I did this to Forrest. Thinking I felt so connected to her. When there were pieces of her that were major parts of her that she never shared. That relationship was a disaster. I was sitting today, realizing how badly she treated me, and what it means that I allowed it. And thinking how all these years I've wired myself into my head, looping and looping. Carrying so much of what I feel other people have put on me. 

I feel pathetic today. I feel so far from who I want to be. I feel like everything is complicated. 

I would like to meet someone to truly help to add to my life and me add to their life, and we can learn to get each other. It's hard doing this alone in my own energy. 

So much needs to change. So much needs to be let go of. 

I feel everything that's occurred in my life has been a ripple effect of my previous life. 

And suddenly I am catching up to myself. 

But at least I finally am understanding, that I am not to blame. 

And I am only 33 years of age. I have plenty of life to go. It is not all for nothing. I chose to learn a lot of my lessons early on so I could better navigate the rest of my life. 

My heart has been hurting today. 

After my call with Margaret I think I may take a bath and wind down from a somewhat manic day. 

I need to go get a level so I can put up my cork board so I can put everything up there. 

I am frustrated with who I am. I was wanting to return to life this year. To be going out, meeting people, shifting things fast. And instead it's felt like slow, stagnant, difficult energy. 

I'm going to go down to ACE and grab a level. I want to make sure that I put the cork board up properly.

I think compared to some of my friends, truthfully, I can tell I'm a bit all over the place. And I think I see that manifested in my apartment, and that's why I want to get it all tidied up. And sometimes I still feel like I'm 17 or 23 or 25 or 29. And I don't understand counting ages in a way. I like it more from the perspective of I'm on my 33rd lap of the sun. Versus I've lived 33 'years'. I don't like the constructs of time that have been created. They are man-made and removed from the natural world. What is a world more connected to nature like? This world feels so far from it. So incredibly, deeply far removed from it.

And I feel that in myself. Living in an apartment in the middle of a concrete city. 

I am thinking about moving to Arvada next year. I need to finish up my things this year. And then next year, moving to Arvada and maybe Caz would want to get a place together with a yard