What might a better life look like?
One where I feel on track, that I am able to feel at peace with the past.
And one where I've cleaned up all my messes to the point I feel closure.
It's a hard time to thrive in a way, with so much darkness out there. A lot of problems are going on in the world right now, in countries, in governments, in people's homes, with people's mental health.
The future is here, but the future is going to take a few more decades to arrive.
I feel like this is a transition period. Where so much is going on, so much is coming out of the woodwork, so many things are happening all at once, that when we look back at this time, it's going to feel like a timewarp.
How do I tap into the energy to create? When the world is shut down and it feels like there's nothing to create for. That clearly isn't true. So where is that thought coming from?
Why can't I just do some art because it'll be fun. Why does my ego have to be wrapped up in it. My ego is entirely wrapped up in it. Why do I feel so blocked. It's built up so damn much. Do I have to let it go? I've built it up so much. So many things have built up, that it all feels daunting.
And all I do is analyze it and make these tiny changes all the time or focus on other categorise of life, and neglect the ones that actually matter to me.
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I am not enjoying one of my client projects right now. I don't like the group vibe. I don't like the vibe the leader creates. It feels slightly pretentious and arrogant. I really can't wait for it to be over. I remember reading that book back in August.
Remember that I also got out of the studio in September. I produced some art there, but again COVID happened, so it took me out of really immersing myself in creativity while there.
This shit sucks.
All the ways it's impacted my life by slowing it down, disrupting flow, removing opportunity. Not to mention, creating a shit ton of fear, anger, confusion, and anticipation during these times. It's been pretty daunting. I feel pretty exhuasted. I want to give myself a break, but I feel like every moment is coated in too many layers.
I need to connect with my future self, and see if I can get some guidance as to how to proceed.
I need to start meditating again and being with my body. I fell off of that the last few weeks.
I feel distracted by my goals of the google ads course and the electric health website. I really can't handle more than that.
And that's why in some ways, I don't want to create a portfolio site for the services I offer. I honestly need a break from being a freelancer. I honestly would look forward to making some money with DoorDash and GrubHub and Rover. I'm going to sign up for that now. That'll bring me a step closer.
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