I Think Way Too Fucking Much

I can't stop thinking. It never stops. 

I'm not someone that narrates my reality to myself in my head. I'm not listening to words when I think.

I think in abstract thought. I think in general groups and how they connect and influence each other. And I try to bridge different elements together to get more information out of each one. Ultimately with the intention of finding out something useful that will help me in my life.

Everything I do, is in an effort to help me in my life.

Why the hell do I feel like I need so much help? 

It's what's making me stuckin survivor mode, and stuck in this hampsterwheel mode. It's what's making me afraid to intiate new circumstances in my life. I'm really scared I think. And I'm looping. I can tell I'm still looping. It's very frustrating.

I keep trying to do the work to shift things and alter my neuropathways so they work together in a more streamlined way - particularly in a way where they aren't constantly revisiting the past. 

I want to orient myself to the present. I want to have a future in mind, but I know that everything you do in the present simply births upcoming present moments. And it's really fun when they loop and thread nicely together in a way that's satisfying and you feel things *working out*. Whereas with me, I feel like I've gotten stopped in my tracks so many times, I don't know how to keep threading it forward. 

I'm hoping putting the whiteboards up and the cork board is going to help me put it all somewhere out of my head where I can look at the plan as I'm trying to play this out. And that'll help me actually streamline it and get through this current stage.

I'm not out of the weeds in terms of needing to sift through everything I own. I remember last summer having this thought that I was going to have to replace literally everything I had. That everything needed to be changed on a material level, for me to get to the next level. I could have done it a hell of a lot faster, but frankly, I was under pretty major attack from the experience with Forrest and how long that played out. 

I'm a lot further ahead than I think. This has been a rough year for everyone and it's okay that I got pulled by it. It matters. I do care about it. I care about the world becoming a better place for everyone. I know a part of me is jaded in thinking that it's a fruitless endeavor. And maybe I don't believe it's able to happen at a system level. The entire system is illogical and rooted in what no longer can hold itself up. Everyone is changing, and all new kinds of people and personalities are being born. The world is globalizing, and the way things were are changing and will never ever be the same. We are truly moving into the future. This is just the very, very, very beginning. And in some ways that is why I feel like things are moving so incredibly slowly, on the outside, yet I feel behind to be able to ride the energy of the trends like I'm floating down a river. I want to go downstreem. 

The fact that I still am so hung up on the past, still don't want to let go of what happened with my Dad and Forrest and how my family all felt. It's really hindering me. Yet I feel like it's stuck in me. Like I can't get it out of my psyche. I've had the idea of taking mushrooms on a regular basis to help clear my mind and shift my pathways. I feel it helped a lot last time, and led to some pretty major actions afterwards. My thoughts need assistance, because I cannot do this with pure logic, evaluation, and standard introspection alone. It's too knotted up for that. I need assistance. 

I was thinking about doing it tonight. It's just, I feel like it's a lot. I get scared I'm going to feel trapped. That I'm going to get stuck in my head all night and feel a lot of pain. I want to release this anger, or find an outlet for it that let's it express itself in a way that makes me feel confident. I wish I could hold the two things within me at the same time - peace and anger.