I want to get to the point where I as I'm strategizing my life forward, it's based on manifesting things I am inspired by and amazed by. Because right now, I still feel connected to my old timeline in my unconscious.
I go in circles taking care of my apartment, trying to organize and streamline things, and make this space perfect. I'm constantly trying to improve this space. It never is stagnant, ever. Ever.
However, in some ways, I feel like a trained rat. A SIM. Moving about in my small apartment, taking care of myself, slowly making upgrades as I work my way forward.
I'm tired of things feeling complex and difficult. And I'm tired of feeling like I'm constantly behind and not at the levels I should be in my life. A better apartment. A better view. A bigger kitchen. Nicer countertops. Make some more money. Learn some new recipes. Get some more work done. Play guitar for a bit. Watch a bunch of YouTube videos. Get a minor workout in.
There's hardly anything legitimate happening I feel. The thoughts looping in my head that dictate my habits and routines and focuses, don't feel productive or inspiring to me.
I feel like I'm trying to strategize my way to a more enjoyable life and feeling like I'm living as an expression of myself that I feel proud of and I feel like is of high value.
And I need to make sure, that I see my value and what I'm becoming already is. I am already that. What I obsesses over is not seeing or feeling or doing the physical manifestation of that. So much of it remains in my head.
Taking Wenzes class helped me a lot. In some ways, I think it compartmenalized things in a way I didn't completely resonate with. Which means they need to wiped and find a why that makes sense. I think her why does make sense, but I also think she wasn't able to articulate it as well since she was much more practical than thoughtful in a way.
Really how do I shift timelines. It's up to me to do it. I want to hop timelines in terms of where my psyche is at with things. I will say however, I do think this is happening way faster than I think. I look back to November last year and I look back to October last month, and between those two ranges my mind has completely evolved. Lately I've been waking up as if my entire mind got filtered and cleaned the night before. It's a really nice feeling. Instead of waking up with sadness, angst, and stress, or with thoughts of dissapointment, self-worth issues, and confusion - I'm starting to wake up with a blankness and a freshness. It feels a lot lighter. It feels a lot more freeing.
In some ways, I just need to have Grace and let it unfold for me and let things grow and develop for me.
But sometimes, I feel such an urge to be proactive, to frantically and manically suddenly feel like something small is actually massive. It's like priorities and emotions go in and out of focus for me. They are constantly reorienting themselves.
I don't know if this even makes sense. I've never heard anybody talk like this. I wonder if people with ADHD understand what I'm talking about. It certainly feels like some type of cognitive shortcoming. Like something is getting convoluted and confusing once it reaches how it makes me feel and therefore act.
I was theorizing last last summer about my curriculum, doing things to get into flow state, doing things to feel presence. I was feeling extremely passionate about that. Then COVID hit and Forrest moved down the street from me... those things reallllly altered my psyche. So much has come up from the inside because of those two things, not to mention the election to that has been an insane influence, and race riots all over the country over the summer. It's been really intense. And I do think I need to keep that in mind, that it's okay for these things to affect me.
I just wish I could feel passionate and invested in those things, at the same time as feeling like I'm not behind in my station in life. Like Cristo said in his reading for me - that I feel like a failure in my station in life - and that is very accurate.
How do I get over some of these things? How do I find the pathway that leads me to the acceptance of so many things in my life that I feel dissapointed with. Why do I feel so dissapointed in myself? Because I haven't been acting like my highest self? Because I feel like I can't control myself anymore? Because I feel like I let myself go and now I can't get myself back? I'm scared I think. Scared I'm never going to feel on track again. Scared I have done too much damage to myself, to come into a new timeline and a new situation. That things are always going to be like how they've been the last number of years. That I'll never be able to get myself into a situation I truly feel is where I'm supposed to be for my growth. Where I feel like I conquered these challenges I'm currently experience and I've made peace with them and I've elevated myself out of the low densitiy and got myself to the higher density. I want to get up there so badly. I want to get my vibration up for that. Or my voltage. I want that. So badly.
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