Given I'm still in operation get off the fucking hampster wheel, I feel that what I choose to do with my time is very important.
Even though I want to spend time tonight in an ideal work, eating some mushrooms, throwing on some music, and doing art - having myself a great time - adding to my body of work, preparing for my next showing. In between I'm texting with friends and sharing with them what I'm excited about I'm working on. I'm posting on instagram. And I finally have something worth sharing that's not just random, unimportant, disconnected moments from my life.
But instead, I feel so focused on needing to get myself out of this situation. Which I feel like I've been in a state of "How do I get myself out of this situation" for a number of years now. I hardly know what anything else feels like or how to obtain it, and I'm so far in this, that it's become too much of a comfort zone and too much of feeling like I'm stuck in a trance or a certain state of mind.
This is so rediculous I am thinking this way, just in terms of trying to decide, if tonight I want to
a.) eat muchrooms and try to loosen up some of my mind and have a good night
b.) go to target and get frames for a few of the prints and put up the white board and cork board in my bedroom
Why can't I do both? Why do I think it is one or the other?
The other variable really effecting me right now is the weather outside. It is cold and shitty out. Overcast. It looks depressing. It makes me feel more introverted. It feels like there's less extitement and dopamine and seratonin running through my body.
I'm also already super in my head given the way I'm writing, and it's really hard for me to get ouf ot this state until I get a night's rest. Once it starts its hard to stop it.
And so instead of actually doing the productive thing, I end up spending all this time, trying to decide what is the thing that I should do that would be the best for this moment. This is utterly exhausting.
I have always been a bit like this, but it's been so much worse this year and so much worst after the breakup experience. I think I am going to write some blog posts on here evaluating that entire situation so I can come to terms with what the hell really went on. Why I absorbed so much horrible horrible energy in that experience, and how I got to the level I did in that situation. It honestly freaks me out. I feel like I was in a nightmare looking back. One that still has some of it hooks in my current timeline, what with it living down the street from me. What a fucked up move to make. It pretty much put me in "check". Like an annoying queen following yours around the board.
If only I could let it go. Yet for some reason, it haunts me so much. It haunted by from the experience, and it haunts me given how much it impacted my life and how I'm trying to make up for all that. I am so frustrated by the loss of that precious time, not only the opportunity cost of the time I spent in it, but the opportunity cost of the time I've had to recover from it and what it did to my body (that I am currently healing) and mind (that I"m also currently healing). I am still suffering from the impacts of that relationship.
And while I learned a lot about reality and life and people, and in some ways I could see it as an initation into truth and awareness, I can't help but think it still would have been great for the last couple years to have been really feel good and enjoyable, instead of feeling really bad an insane amount of time.
It is what it is though. And I'm letting go of the situation more each day and reprogramming my mind. So much of this is reprogramming. And I do believe that once I get my new program running, a lot of this is going to simply fall away. I need to keep that in mind.
And that's why I really scrutinize what it is I'm going to do all the time. I want to do the thin that's going to bring in that new program as fast as possible. And I feel like each action I take is going to help me get there. However, sometimes I'm constantly looking for new ones in a certain category.
I could spend the night measuring the moisture level of the plants and creating a chart about when they should be watered.
I could sit with the mushies and figure out when the humidifier should be changed and cleaned for the next few months.
I could go downstairs and grab the CocoCoir and get that set up on the mushrooms.
I feel like I'm constantly doing things around this apartment. Constantly inside of this small space. I really need to get out into other environments.
That's why I think signing up for GrubHub and Doordash and Rover will be good. I'll make some extra money, and I'll be able to get out of the house for a reason.
I need other things.
So I could do that tonight. I could sign up for those 3 websites.
And yet what do I want to do? Maybe just smoke some weed, order in, put on some netflix, and chill lol.
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